Here’s what typically happens. Your kids misbehave and consequences are given. Only your kids don’t care about consequences and consequences don’t teach your kids anything. They already know that what they are doing is wrong. That’s why they lie! They are embarrassed by their behavior.
This is a huge insight for you. As much as these kids appear to be defiant and disrespectful, the two words I’d use to describe them are frustrated and ashamed.
Please let that sink in. Meditate on that for a moment. For years now, you may have been assuming you just had an obstinate, defiant, strong-willed child who makes everything difficult. And outwardly speaking, that’s probably accurate. But if you really want to change this, you have to get to the root. If you were God and could read what’s smeared all over their hearts, it’s frustration and shame.
They know they don’t fit in. They know they are different. But they feel misunderstood (rightly so), like everyone assumes they are bad on purpose. They beat themselves up more than you know. You’ll even hear them mutter, “I’m so stupid.” Is it any wonder they develop a hard shell that pushes people away?
Instead of shaming the child with, “How many times do I have to tell you?” or “What were you thinking?” you come alongside and say quietly, “I know that you know what you did was wrong. I’m not surprised or upset at you. My assumption is you don’t want to be in trouble all the time. So if you want to come outside and kick the soccer ball around, I’ll show you three different ways to make a better choice next time. Why don’t we rewind that situation and practice doing it differently?”
See, now I am SHOWING and giving the child tools. It’s moving from thinking, “He’s just an insolent little jerk who wants to make my life miserable” to “He’s overwhelmed, frustrated and ashamed. I’ll come alongside and help.”
Now you’ve assumed the best about your child’s intentions, demonstrated that you’re a safe place to come with problems, and equipped your child with tools so they don’t keep making the same mistake. Always think, “What tool can I give my child to help with focus, impulse control, social skills, etc.?
I want to be the trusted parent who shows my kids how to be successful instead of the yelling, nagging parent who’s always pointing out what’s wrong. Do you want to be that parent? Then take three concrete steps.
(1) Control yourself. If you cannot control your own tongue and anxiety, how will your kids learn to do this? Spend the next 30 days learning how to finally calm those inner voices that tell you you’re a bad parent, that you’re not doing enough, that you need to lecture all the time.
Want to stop reacting and learn how to control your emotions?
Click here to listen to two short podcasts to learn how.
(2) Help your kids learn how to control themselves. When they listen to my son, Casey, share his story and how he learned how to control his impulses and emotions, it will make a difference in their lives. Show your kids how to put out the emotional fire and calm down-it’s a huge gift! And it’s FREE this week.
(3) Show your kids how to be successful. Give them tools. In the Discipline CDs (FREE this week), you’ll learn how to give tools instead of consequences for 30 tough behavior issues. THAT will change behavior.
Click here to learn about our SUMMER SPECIAL.
For the first time ever, you get OUR 3 MOST POPULAR PROGRAMS ($297 value) FREE when you learn how to finally calm yourself down. Within a few weeks, you will be different and so will your kids.
Need help? It’s easy. Email Emily@CelebrateCalm.com or call 888.506.1871 and we’ll help you ASAP.