I SOUND LIKE A BROKEN RECORD
Do you ever feel like a broken record? Like no one ever truly listens to you? Like you’re never really heard in your home, even though you are the glue that holds everyone together? You’re not alone. See if this scenario strikes a chord:
“Kirk, my husband and kids have their heads in their phones 24/7. Even when they ask me a question, they don’t bother to listen. I cannot seem to control the anger from being ignored/disrespected that I feel. So I react by storming off saying that I can’t be bothered to talk to them if they are not interested in listening.”
Ah, I bet we can all relate to this whether it’s being ignored, doing everything for everyone else, or having kids who don’t care. Unfortunately, we tend to try to control and change everyone else’s behavior. But that NEVER works. It ALWAYS breeds resentment and frustration. Then you feel hurt, discouraged and like giving up.
I love mentoring parents through the Conquer Anxiety program because we work through each and every issue one by one, breaking the old patterns and creating new, healthy ones with very specific action steps. The really cool part? I get to see people literally transformed into different people. So here is my response to this great wife and mom. Again, see if this applies to you.
(1) Out of a giving heart, you have fallen into a pattern of doing everything for everyone else, of always giving, but you haven’t received in return. So you have grown exhausted and resentful. And now that resentment just bleeds out into everything. Sound familiar?
(2) Yes, your husband needs to give you undivided attention. And your kids need to listen the first time. But jumping all over them and making snide comments will drive them further away. Our reactions have the opposite effect intended.
(3) You are a perfectionist who beats herself up…and then in turn, withholds grace from others. I get it. I grew up with a father who never told me he was proud of me. That wounds. Your parents did the same thing so you are never happy with yourself…but that means it’s hard to accept others when they fall short. It’s an ugly cycle, but you get to break it!
(4) You need to learn to be assertive about your needs and expectations. Be very specific in stating exactly what you want from your husband. You may tell him, “When you are always looking at your phone or the TV when we are talking, it makes me feel like your screens are more important than I am. So it would make me feel special if I could have 10 minutes of undivided attention when we talk every evening.” Make it specific. Start slowly and positively.
If he makes progress and puts his phone down, and looks you in the eyes, give him positive feedback. “I like when you look me in the eyes. I miss you/that.” Keep it short and sweet. Let’s make progress in one area.
(4) Stop doing everything around the house for your kids. What are two things that your kids should be doing? Let’s be assertive with them. “From now on, you will be responsible for these two chores every day. In return, I will run a meal and taxi service. If you do your part, I will do mine. If you don’t, I will not feed you or take you places.”
This isn’t about your kids respecting you. It’s about you respecting yourself enough not to allow yourself to be treated this way.
HERE IS THE CHANGE THAT HAPPENED.
After even just 30 days, this is what the Mom told me:
“(1) I was making other people’s judgments of me as a mom a priority in my life. Now I am making my own emotional and physical health a priority. I have more energy and patience.
“(2) I realized that sometimes I would sabotage situations because feeling justified in the moment felt more important than actually having a good relationship. Now I know I don’t have to justify myself or prove my point. I feel lighter.
“(3) I do not expect immediate success. This is big for me because I’d feel like a failure if things didn’t work perfectly right away.
“(4) I apologized to my family for being all over them and then moved on. Normally I would beat myself up over that for months!
“(5) I have let go of trying to be on top of everything all the time. I spend evenings reading to my kids again, have stopped yelling when we are running late. I am proud of myself!
“This anxiety course is truly fantastic. Thank you for offering it and for your support.”
Kudos to you, Moms and Dads out there, for working hard to break these old patterns and show your kids how to have mature, healthy relationships. You are truly changing generations of people in your family…but first changing yourself!
The greatest gift I have given my son is not his education or anything under the Christmas tree. It is this. I finally broke the pattern that I learned from my father, who learned it from his father. So that when my son becomes a husband and father, he won’t hurt people like I did.
I took 30 very specific action steps to break these negative patterns…and create new ones. I can personally mentor you through these 30 steps over the course of the next year. And if it takes you two years, I’ll be here for you. It’s time to create a new family tree.
And it costs way less than therapy (for you AND your kids). Are you ready? Sign up now and let’s do this together!
Regularly $497.00… NOW ONLY $197
for the NEXT 7 people who register. First come, first serve basis only.
You’ll listen to 2 Audio CDs, read answers to 100 tough questions and take 30 specific action steps to break old habits. Plus, you have access to ask Kirk personal questions and receive a prompt, specific reply. All confidential.
“Knowing I can ask you any question means so much to me. I am changing! No yelling now, no managing the kids or husband for 26 days!” ~ Elaine W., Chicago